Chapter 1

            “Ruki. He’s asked for you,” called out a young woman as she hurries down the hall. She’s a servant here in the castle, like me. I have no need to ask who he is. I already know. I’m not sure if I want to go. It all depends on his mood. However not going doesn’t cross my mind. I stop what I’m doing and head for his room. Rebellion makes things worse. Besides, when he’s happy I can pretend I want this. Sometimes I can pretend to the point where I’m not sure where illusion ends and reality begins.

            I knock on his door and wait for his answer. It’s always the same. ‘Come in.’ You can never tell his mood until you see his face.

            The blond man is sitting on the edge of the bed. He looks mad. This won’t be good. Just his hair tells you he’s one of the upper classes. Rich men have blond hair commoners hair is dark. Of course, you can’t entirely control a person’s hair colour. Sometimes a noble gives birth to a dark haired child. A child that gets cast aside. Or spends there whole life dying there hair so no one knows. Should a blond be born to my class they are usually adopted by a lord or lady. The parents’ consent is meaningless. They have all the power. We have none.

            As the generations pass, the blood becomes purer. It’s rarer now for people to be born out of place.

            The blonds are considered God’s chosen ones. So the church claims. Their light hair proves the purity of their hearts. Yeah, that’s a joke. I know all about the cruelty they are capable of. I also know all about the kindness of us ‘unclean’.

            He however isn’t just one of them. He is King Reita. He rules this country. He keeps the rules of the church. I’ve heard outside there are countries where there are kings with pitch black hair, blonds working the fields. I don’t quite believe it. How do you distinguish the classes if not by the hair?

            He hasn’t been king long. Just two short weeks. He’s still young and has a handsome face. I guess that helps. He is married but it’s nothing but a scam. An arranged marriage for power and nothing more. She knows what he does behind her back. She doesn’t care. After all, she has a lord of her own. A young man to which her heart belongs. Still, any children she brings will be Reita’s no matter who the true father is.

            “Ruki come here.” Reita demands. There is no please. Please is for when he’s in a good mood. I obey, because it’s all I know how to do. I sit beside him and instantly his lips are on mine. A hungry desperate kiss. I can hardly breathe. I don’t like this, I don’t want this. Regardless, I start to pull of his clothes. The sooner this is over the better. It isn’t long before I’m thrown face first and naked onto the bed. Reita is on top of me and I gasp in pain as he enters me. He’s pounding into me and all I can feel is pain. I bite into the sheets beneath me to stop myself crying out. I don’t cry. I think I used up my last tear a long time ago.

            When Reita is mad he takes it out on me. He keeps his calm in public but as soon as we’re alone all his pent up anger is transferred into sexual drive. It’s always me he calls for. It hadn’t been at first but it is now. I am his favourite. I don’t complain. I do what he wants and keep quiet. Complaining makes it worse. Trying to escape makes it worse. I won’t add to his anger as it’s taken out in me.

            Eventually Reita reaches release and collapses on top of me, panting from his own exertion. I remain still. It’s going to hurt when I move but I’m not completely sure how much.

            He catches his breath and rolls of me. I listen to him pull on his clothes. I hear him come up to me. He runs his fingers almost lovingly across my back.

            “Thank you.” He whispers into my ear. He kisses my shoulder and leaves. Returning to his unfaithful wife.

I lay still, feeling ashamed and used. I can only hope that next time he’ll be in a better mood. When he’s in a good mood I’m treated more as his lover. I can enjoy myself when he’s in a good mood. I can remember the days when I loved him. The days when I believed he loved me too.

Groaning slightly, I roll onto my back. He’s done some damage tonight. Without fuss I work on my erection. This is the worst part. It proves that I’m attracted to him. That there is part of me that enjoys this. This is the real reason I come when called.

It takes me about an hour before I’m ready to go back to my own room. I had to give my body some chance to recover. Getting dressed was a painful necessity. Still in pain, I head towards the stairs. Once I get to my own bed I can sleep. A servant sees me and turns away, disgusted. He knows what I do. They all know. Some are repulsed by my actions. Others are jealous. Some just understand that we can’t disobey our masters. No matter how much we want to. Most of them are in the same situation. The king isn’t the only one who likes a servant’s company.

I reach my room and collapse on my bed with a groan. As a servant, I have a roommate, but only one. I’m lucky. No, I’m not lucky. This is his doing. One of the few bonuses for being his toy.

“I take it he was in a bad mood.” The black haired man commented. His name is Aoi and he works in the stables. He belongs to the prince. Reita’s younger brother Uruha. He still believes Uruha loves him. He’ll learn, though it’ll probably take Aoi longer to see the truth. Uruha is gentle with him. Always returns the favour. Gentle actions and gentle words. No wonder Aoi believes in him.

I refuse to accept the concept that it’s real love. If I did I’d become jealous and bitter. I’d loose the only friend I had.

“Not quite as bad as he can be.” I admit. It’s true - I’m not bleeding like when he’s really mad. Aoi says no more. He knows I don’t want to talk about him. It’s not that late, but I fall asleep anyway.

Falling asleep so early resulted in my waking up early. Carefully I step out of bed and the pain has lessened to the point where I can ignore it. Having time, I take a bath and that helps too. I relax and my mind wanders. I remember how it began. I don’t want to remember but I can’t help it. Now I’m thinking about it I can’t stop.

I was just 15 when it started. It’s been almost 10 years. I’m 24 now. He’s 27, making him 18 back then. I’d worked in the castle since I was eight but this was the first time I had seen the prince. He had been away, learning the lessons only the upper classes got. How to read and write, maths, arts, how to fight. But he was a man now and had learnt all he needed to know.

I remember watching him with excitement through a bedroom window. Reita was beautiful. Handsome and strong. He looked exactly how a prince should look. I didn’t understand these feelings within me back then but I know what they are now. Lust.

That night, he had casually walked through the servant quarters, carefully studying the young boys. He had requested a boy only a year older than me to accompany him. I found out the next day what had happened.

The next night most of the boys were wary. When he came, they disappeared. There were just three of us left. We wanted to be tonight’s companion. He really was a handsome man. But again, he chose someone else and I was disappointed.

The third night it was the same three of us again. He didn’t even consider the boy from the night before. He chose the second boy and again I was left alone.

It was the fourth night he chose me. Yet again the three of us waited. I know now he was testing us one by one. Finding the boy he liked best.

In Reita’s room he had been gentle and loving. I was scared but he made me forget. By the end of the night I had fallen in love and was determined he’d always pick me.

In the end he had chosen me to be his only one. But by this time he’d gone through most boys in the castle. Still he kept coming back to me. I was his favourite. He said he liked the gentleness of my face. It took him almost a year before settling on me. By this time I was 16.

I dive out of the bath. I need to work to forget this. I had been a fool to believe Reita loved me. He was just using me. Nothing more. I refused to fall for him again. Once was a mistake. Twice would just be foolish.

I dry myself and get dressed before heading to the kitchens for breakfast. The kitchen staff, as always, are busy preparing the nobles’ breakfast, but we servants have to eat too. I sit at the table and wait for my own breakfast. It’s only porridge, but it’s warm and filling.

“Kai. Get him his breakfast,” bellows the head chef.  I look up. Kai? He must be new. I know all the servants but I’ve never heard of Kai. I get a good look at him as he serves my breakfast. He is gorgeous. My heart is pounding in my chest. I haven’t felt like this since the first time I saw Reita. I want him. I want him bad.

“Here you go,” Kai says placing the bowl in front of me. I don’t even look at it. I’m staring at him.

“I’m Ruki.” I introduce myself. Anything to keep him talking.

“Kai. I’m new,” Kai says, grinning. My heart feels like it’s melting. He’s so cute. “I used to work in a private home but my elderly master died so I got a job here.” I nod. We’re not slaves. We have our freedom. Only poverty ties me to this castle. That, and a lack of education.

“Kai, get back to work,” orders the head chef and Kai runs off. I watch him work and find myself smiling. I don’t really taste my breakfast, though I did eat it.

Can I start up a real relationship? I wonder for the first time. Was I allowed real love when my body belonged to the king? Was I brave enough to go against Reita’s wishes? I knew how disobedience ended up. It wasn’t pretty.

“Reita, we can’t!” I had complained as his lips brushed my neck. Only that day his engagement had been announced. He was to be married. This had to stop. We’d been together three years now. We were both older. But I for one wasn’t more mature.

“Shhh. Don’t complain. You enjoy this. I know you do.” Reita had said encouragingly. My body agreed with him but I wasn’t too far gone that I couldn’t stop myself.

“No! You’re engaged!” I cried pulling away. “I don’t want to break apart your marriage.”

“What marriage? I didn’t ask for it. My father has ordered this. I don’t love her. She doesn’t love me. It’s just convenient. Don’t let her come between us. I love you. You know I do.”

“No.” I whisper crying. I didn’t want to loose him. I loved him. But I also knew this was wrong. “You can’t cheat on her. It’s not fair.”

“Don’t you tell me what I can and can’t do!” Reita had screamed at me. He had lost his temper. I’d never seen him mad before and I was terrified. Looking back I know the anger was rooted in the engagement he hadn’t wanted. His anger had been gathering inside him and now he was taking it out on me.

He had slapped me hard across me face. He screamed at me. Told me I was his whore. That I had to do what he said. Then he had raped me. I had screamed and shouted. I had cried and begged. No one came to help and he hadn’t stopped until it was over.

His anger spent, he had begged my forgiveness. Promised it would never happen again. Like a fool I had believed him. I had forgiven him. However it had happened again. And again. Every time I tried to disobey I had ended up being raped. Harder each time. It had become common for me to end up bleeding and unable to move. I had realised he didn’t love me then. But it was too late. I was trapped and I gave in. I was no longer his lover. I was just his servant. Sometimes he’d remember to pretend to love me, sometimes he didn’t.

I looked at Kai one last time and walked out. Disobeying Reita was more trouble than it was worth.